Christmas Rants Number Two - TURKEY

I am not a vegetarian. I eat meat every day. I have no problem with vegetarians, but I also have no problem and feel no guilt about eating meat. So my problem with turkey is not a moral issue.

The problem I have with turkey is far far simpler. I don't like it. Not many people seem to. Yet, every year we all go out and buy a Turkey that is twice the size of anything we eat on any other Sunday of the year. Why? Is turkey available the rest of the year? Yes it is. Are chicken, beef, lamb, pork, duck etc available at Christmas? Yes they are. Is turkey some kind of delicacy that is a special 'treat' we can only afford once a year? Hell no.

And what makes matters worse, we do not confine our eating of this oversized dryer version of chicken to lunchtime on Christmas day. Oh no, the bastard thing is still hanging around a good few days later, by which time it has stretched to at least 3 further disappointing meals.

Thinking that there might be an ancient slightly quirky reason why we eat turkey at Christmas I did a quick google search on the subject, and the only reason I came across that was of any interest at all was that it goes back to the days of Henry VIII. (As most things seem to. Did ANYTHING ever happen before that??)
Apparently (and take this story with the biggest mound of salt you can find) everyone always ate goose at Christmas until the royal lard arse himself one day decided he would have turkey. And since then everyone started eating turkey at Christmas.

Seems very unlikely doesn't it? For a start, how would people know? Communication can't have been the best in the 1500s and it can hardly have been headline stuff even on a slow news day.
Also, we are talking about a fella who it is widely accepted rather enjoyed his food. Chances are he had already polished off a few geese, half a cow and several wild boar before he ate the turkey. If everyone copied his eating habits the population would surely have died out.
And lastly, why would people suddenly decide to change their eating habits just because he did? Goose is generally accepted to be (and is) much nicer. So why change to turkey just because the monarch does? If only it was the same today. All that we would need to do is leak to the press that the Queen actually enjoys a nice steak for Christmas dinner and the battle would be won.

And as a delightful bonus Bernard Matthews might be driven out of business. Bootiful!

Christmas Rants Number One - Snow

In the first of a series of Christmas related moans (which admittedly would have been better had I started it last Friday. Curse my laziness!) I have started with a long standing annoyance of mine. Yes, that white cold stuff which simpletons of Britain yearn for at this time of year. I am, of course, talking about SNOW.

Its the same every year. As soon as December is upon us we hear people cooing over the possibility that it will be 'a white Christmas'. People genuinely seem to want snow, and if we do get the dubious pleasure people seem to actually get excited by it. In a country obsessed with weather and with moaning about the weather does this not seem a little odd to anyone?

So the question is, why? Why do people like snow? Are these or are these not the same people who complain whenever it rains? Or moan about being cold in the winter? Or too hot in the summer? Newsflash to anyone who hasn't realised. Snow is frozen rain. If you hate rain why like something wetter, colder and which hangs around longer? It truly confuses me.

I have tried asking people but as soon as you mention snow to people you lose them. They leave reality and go into some Dickensian fantasy World where everyone is outside on snow cobbled streets, children are building snow men and street urchins are throwing snowballs at gentlemen in belted coats then running away chased by fat women with rolling pins.
The reality is needless to say very different. Trains don't run properly (when do they?), streets turn to grey sludge, roads are icy and....what's the other one again?....oh yes, ITS FUCKING COLD!

The met office have said there probably won't be snow this Christmas. Let us please just hope they are right and leave the dreaming to Bing. Celebrate the grey Christmas. Its not anyone goes out on Christmas anyway is it?

Rich men playing chess

For those of you, like myself, who like a good moan December is among the best months of the year. There is no much material. Mechanical santas, appalling television, shameless commercialism, C-list celebs turning on tired-looking provincial lights. All of which were candidates for my first blog entry in over a month (and to be fair will probably still appear sooner or later) but it is with great sadness that I feel I need to write about one of the great loves of my life - Football.

There are plenty of things that annoy me about football in a general sense, Manchester United for example, but what makes this post more depressing is that it concerns my beloved Liverpool.
This morning reading the sports news I was struck by the headline on the BBC 'Dubai government set for Reds bid'. I have feared this for a while, ever since that time a few years ago when it looked like the Thai Prime Minister was going to buy the club. Thankfully this didn't work out, and for a time Moores and Parry's globetrotting begging missions looked set to end in failure. However, this latest development looks worryingly real.

Now I have nothing against the guy personally but this is the latest in an increasing trend of Premiership clubs being controlled from abroad, by fabulously rich people who have little or no interest in football and are merely seeing it either as a fashion accessory or a business opportunity. If this comes off, which looks likely, we will see a situation where three of the top clubs in England are owned by foreign multi millionnaires and the other plays in a stadium named after a middle Eastern airline.

And with so much money involved where is the scope for the smaller clubs? Where are the chances of a kid kicking the ball around with his mates in the street making it as a pro when the club can go out and spend millions on a ready made superstar who will generate more fast money in shirt sales? It really will just become a case of lots of very rich men from different countries using our national game to get one over on each other.

And of course where on Earth will it all end? Football does not generate huge amounts of money, which is why most clubs run at a loss and the successful ones are the ones who can afford to write off these losses every season. But how long will these guys want to throw their money away before one decides enough is enough and pulls out?

Remember, when we were kids if one kid had something we all wanted one? Yes? Well, what always followed shortly afterwards is one kid would get bored and so would all the others, just as quickly. We threw them in the back of the cupboard and never bothered with them again. How long until Russian, American and Arab cupboards are full of unwanted Premiership football clubs?