Nothing super about it

I hate Supermarkets. I despise them. Unfortunately, life being life, and life being cruel and generally vile, the things you hate are usually the things that you pretty much cn't avoid coming into contact with.

I had the misfortune of going to the supermarket yesterday morning. Admittedly I was hungover, had not slept properly and was woken up by the sound of a hoover so I was in a poor frame of mind anyway but at the same time I was starving. So, at my girlfriend's behest, we went to ASDA. This is normally the lowest of any supermarket chain as far as I am concerned but I was in no position to argue really.

After negotiating the Sunday drivers and the 'roadworks' (or rather abandoned tents and holes in the road) we got there. Now, supermarket car parks are always horrific. Even at midnight they are awful (what is worse? No choice or too much?) but on a Sunday they reach a new level of awfulness. But having fought the cars, random walking people, trollies left in spaces and fat families pushing over-full trollies we found a space. So far so good. Until we got inside.

This is what I hate about ASDA. Call me some kind of stubborn old traditionalist if you like but supermarkets sell food and household products. Clothes shops sell clothes. Shoe shops sell shoes. So why do the suits (George I assume) at ASDA think its such a good plan to sell all of these, substandardly at that, in their foul cavernous monstrosities of stores?? And why do women bloody love this?? After wandering about through the racks of horrible clothes, shoes on pegs (!!) and Alba electrical equipment I had had enough before we had even reached the fruit and veg section.

Before I go further I don't generally consider myself to be a snob, but I challenge anyone to refrain from anything that may be considered snobbish behaviour after visiting ASDA. Every fat mother berating her children, every twenty-something woman with a ponytail, sovereign rings and tracksuit bottoms and every man who sees nothing wrong with going out in public wearing a wife-beater vest and big tattoos on their fat arms just makes me think more and more that society is slipping away from me.

As the trip went on, things just went from bad to worse. Rudeness, awfulness, strange smells at every turn. "Oh, but its cheap", my girlfriend tells me. Yes, its cheap for a reason. Because it tastes nasty! And look what you have to endure to get the 'benefit'?

When the horror trip was finally complete I left. Threw the bags in the car, got the pound back for the trolley (has anyone ever considered just taking the trolley? A quid for a trolley sounds like a decent deal to me!), braved the Sunday drivers and roadworks again, got in, locked the door and thanked the lord that it would be another week before having to go to a supermarket again.

The Day of the Bored

Sundays. A day of rest. So what is the 21st century person supposed to do whilst they rest?
Newspapers? Okay, but as far as I know these are around the rest of the week, as well as 24 hour news channels and the internet, admittedly not with comment from columnists as insightful as, er, Richard Madeley. Besides, if you house was anything like my house growing up the Sunday papers would become pretty much unreadable after about midday with various sections littered around the house, pages screwed up lost and the only section that anyone can find by mid afternoon being Home and Garden. Which is still in the plastic wrapper with the free Jazz CD.

So, papers are a no-no. How about Sunday lunch? Otherwise known in 21st century Britain as the only time you have to sit at the table. Yes, it tastes nice but at what cost? Again we are preached at all week about the importance of keeping fit and losing weight, yet we are then encouraged to round off the week by spending a whole day eating fatty food and sitting about. Unless you are the poor bugger who has to spend the afternoon washing up that is.

Not that you are missing much. I think one of my earliest hates was Sunday television and its still right up there. From Frost ("so, Prime Minister, what exactly did you have for breakfast this morning?") to the Eastenders omnibus to the ever present appalling (possibly Bond) film to the trio of death - Antiques Roadshow, Songs of Praise and Last of The Summer Wine. The last of which deserves an entry all to itself really.

I hate Sundays. And to think I never even needed to touch on the fact that the only places that are open are twice as busy because they are only open half the time. Well I almost managed it.

CM

Why don't they give out fivers?

What better place to start? At the root of all evil. Not money of course, stupidity.
My hatred of ATM machines is manifested in many ways, and I will attempt to spell them out here.

1. The machines themselves. As alluded to in the title of this post, it seems to me that all cash machines in the country are set up with the intention of only dispensing the most awkward note dominations that they can. Its not just that no machines in the country ever give out fivers anymore (easily the best note around), but is there anything more annoying than a scenario like this? You have no cash on you, you want to buy a newspaper, and the only cash machine you can get to will only give out twenties! So, you either have to try to buy a paper with a 20 (bearing in mind that even the Sunday papers are only about a quid), and risk the wrath of the shopkeeper or buy something else. SO THE CASH MACHINE HAS COST YOU MONEY.

2. Users. This applies to a great number of urban irritations, and is a useful theory to stick with through life. Stupid people should not be allowed out of the house.
Anyone who has ever waited behind someone at a cash machine will know what I mean. Card goes in (after a few attempts to put it in the wrong way), stupid person dithers a bit over the PIN, stupid person asks for a mini statement, stupid person analyses mini statement for a few minutes (oblivious to the ever-expanding queue of people behind), stupid person retrieves card, dithers over getting it back into purse/wallet then.....pulls out another card and starts over.

3. This machine is currently not dispensing cash. Well fucking fix it then! This only panders to the stupid people mentioned above who think that these machines are multi purpose. They are not. They are there to dispense cash! If they are not dispensing cash they may as well be removed. Now, there's an idea!

Unfortunately, although I hate ATMs we as society have no choice but to use them. Yes, we can queue up in the bank and get cash over the counter but, in doing so, you have to face the inevitable questions about whether you want a loan, mortgage, credit card, new account. And people wonder why Britain is in debt! Look no further than the high street banks' 'Withdraw a fiver and get a free 30 grand loan' policy sherlock!

The Imperfect List

At a young age. Say about 12 or 13. It occurred to me that I am part of that vast majority of British people. Up until that point, as is ingrained into the psyche of all middle class English children, I was happy in the assumption that the World is a fairly reasonable place. Don't get me wrong, I was never under the impression that everything is perfect (I may have been naive but I was never an idiot). I knew some things were good, just as I knew some things were annoying, but it was on the verge of my teenage years that I realised there was more to it than that. I realised that I am a miserable bastard.

I wasn't, never have been and never will be ashamed of this. History is littered with miserable bastards, every pub in the country is in business because of the amount of disgruntled miserable fuckers in there every single night discussing the things that annoy them and the only reason that sport and television remains so popular is so that people can complain about it!

However, the one downside of being a miserable moaner is that eventually people are going to get bored and not want to listen to what you find annoying. Therefore, I have decided to list them all on here. If you don't want to read them, don't, but if you want to comment or add any of your own irritations please do.

Thanks

CM